Q&A and Book Giveaway!!!

Meet Abigail...

This is Abigail Pogrebin. She is a mother, a New Yorker, a writer, a daughter, and a wife, but the role that most defines her, is that of an identical twin. I was recently contacted by Abigail after she read my blog and asked if I would be interested in doing a Q&A and book giveaway. She is a former '60 Minutes' producer who just published a book at twins called 'One and the Same'. She discussed her childhood as a twin & what she has learned about every twin's struggle with singularity.

I have yet to read this book myself, and I am sure she covered all of this in the book, but I came up with a few questions myself regarding raising twins. Abigail has offered to answer any questions, so if you have something you would like to ask, just leave me a comment & I will forward it on to Abigail or you can visit her website & ask her personally...

www.abigailpogrebin.com

*What is your view on separating twins...from separate bedrooms, separate classes in school, etc?

I think sharing the same room till we were 14 was comforting and strengthening in childhood. But I feel just as strongly that we were ready for separate spaces in 9th grade, just as we were ready for separate schools. By the time I had my own room, I really needed it. I appreciated the privacy, quiet, and specialness of having my own island. My Mom let us each help her decorate our new spaces the summer before we moved into them, and those decisions felt important to me. Having my friends over to my own room felt grown-up. So my advice: keep them together till you sense they need space apart. The right moment will be clear to you; or your twins will let you know.

As for school, I think it's nice for twins to be together at first because it gives both a lot of confidence to have their partner nearby. (I think it emboldened me and Robin and made us take more risks). But Robin and I were in separate classes starting in second grade and I think it was crucial to developing our sense of having separate selves and strengths...We were still in the same school (until 9th grade) but it gets complicated sharing friends and teachers, and this is one place you can help them discover who they really are apart from each other. They'll have plenty of time together when they get home each day.

*Our twins are still pretty young, but as they grow older, I really want each child to have their special time with Mommy and/or Daddy. I know this is important to help define them as individuals. What are some ideas on doing this, at what age should we start this, and how often do you recommend it?

I think you should start separate time as soon as you have the energy to do it, meaning as soon as possible. There’s no more crucial takeaway from my interviews, research and personal experience than “separate time is essential to shore up a sense of self.” I know that the realities of life -- the chaos of school, work, playdates, doctors appointments, errands, family events, neighborhood events, religious commitments, etc -- make it a genuine challenge to carve out separate time with twins. But since I feel so strongly (now that I have the benefit of hindsight) that each twin needs separate memories with parents, I suggest small rituals that can become routine. When they’re babies, it’s taking a walk, going to the playground or the local bakery to choose a cookie, taking a swim together at an indoor pool or at the beach. When they’re old enough to talk, walk and read, here are some ideas:

1. Take one twin to breakfast one morning a week -- even if it's just a muffin at a diner. Take the other twin to get a weekly hot cocoa (maybe you keep a survey of the best cocoa in town) or the best milkshake (depending on the season).
2. Have movie night once a month where you take one twin to a movie by him or herself or watch one at home-- just you, your spouse, and one twin. Alternate months for each twin, or ideally, come up with another monthly date for the other twin.
CRUCIAL NOTE: YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE THE RITUALS OR EXCURSIONS THE SAME, AND IN FACT, THAT CAN DEFEAT THE PURPOSE, BECAUSE THEN THE RITUALS AREN'T UNIQUE ANY MORE, WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT OF SEPARATE TIME. IS THERE A DANGER OF THE TWINS COMPARING OUTINGS OR TRADITIONS? YES, BUT THAT'S NOT SUCH A TERRIBLE THING, AND THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY'LL REMEMBER IN THE END.
3. Decide to have a "book group" with just one twin when they’re old enough to read -- so that you read the same book and discuss it in a kind of special, scheduled meeting over some treat. (As you can see, I encourage food rituals!)
4. Have a cooking or baking date once a month, or once every two weeks, when you choose a recipe to make together for the rest of the family.
5. Maybe have a weekly game of catch with one twin, or a weekly game of ping pong with the other.
The overall idea is to make some togetherness about just you and your twin (with or without your spouse.) Obviously it's nice to try to tie the ritual to something your twin enjoys (and part of this discipline is that it will make you pay a little more attention to who each twin is --alone.) The key is simply this: a little time together--on a regular basis-- without the twosome. It's not the norm -- and it needn't be -- but a little singularity goes a long way to individuality, not to mention a more solid friendship with a twin's folks.

*I already see jealousy coming out in my twins and they are only 15 months old. I realize they are still too young to grasp the concept of sharing, but do you have any advice on how not to make jealousy an issue between twins?

I think envy and rivalry are inevitable, to some degree, but the truth is that in most cases, the rivalry will subside over time and a powerful friendship will take its place. You have to trust that ultimately the twins will depend upon each other more than they’ll do battle. It seems to level off most of the time and what's left is the intimacy, familiarity, and protectiveness of each other.

*Overall, what is the most important advice you can give a parent of twins to raise their twins as individuals?

Really pay attention to who they are. That may sound obvious, but I think many parents I decide or declare who their twins are or how they differ (or don’t differ), instead of really listening to their personalities and getting to know them. They’re giving you signals you can’t always see right away, but if you let them reveal who they are, they’ll feel really known by you, and that’s what makes them feel individualized – or singular – in the world.

Abigail and her identical twin, Robin

Abigail has graciously sent me a copy of her new book to giveaway to one of my readers! I am really tempted to read this before I give it away to one of you, but I am not the fastest of readers, so I will just go purchase one for myself!!! I really look forward to reading this! If you are interested, please leave me a comment letting me know why you would love to read this book! Giveaway ends on Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 8:00 am CST. Thanks again Abigail!!!