I will be a wonderful Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort,

without thought,

without patience or loss,

and though they are good mothers and love their children,

I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money

or because I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life,

the people who truly have appreciation

are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep,

explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake

in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,

knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him

and that I am not waking to take another temperature,

pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense;

that God has given me this insight,

this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to

or a child that God leads me to,

I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,

neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment,

as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,

I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better,

I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,

of other eyes that moisten as they learn

to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

My sister, Mika Beth, sent me this poem yesterday. It's like the words came out of my mouth! Thanks MB...that was great! For those of you who had children easily please don't let this poem offend you...you are so blessed & I know you love your children with all your heart!!

Next Sunday is Mother's Day...a day to honor all the women out there that have the best job in the world...taking care of their children. For the past 4 years, this has been a hard day for me...always hoping that the next year would be better and that I would be a mother. This year will be hard too, even though there is a chance I could be pregnant...it is really hard to get too excited after all I have been through! Until I hear those words, I am not getting my hopes up. Wouldn't a BFP be a wonderful 'day-late' Mother's Day present???? Oh, I can only dream!! I just pray one day that I can be as good of a mother as my mother has been.

To all my friends and family that are mothers...you all inspire me! Your children are a gift from above and I so enjoy hearing about them & seeing pictures of them! Never take them for granted & please know how lucky you are to have them!! I hope next Sunday is the best Mother's Day yet for all of you! Please say a prayer for women out there like me who long for what you have...that God will bless them with the baby that we yearn for...and give them peace in their journey.